~AulosDiEuterpe

all of you who are reading this...prepare for what may possibly be the largest rant you have ever encountered...if you read all of this...kudos. you deserve a certificate or something.

oh well...I don't really even care if I enjoy them or not anymore...I don't think I really ever did. I mean, of course I love them and appreciate them and I know they love me and want to look out for me or whatever. but I'm not a retard. I know not to get myself into trouble and I'm not going to. I'm not gonna go do drugs or drink alcohol or have sex or rob a bank or go gang banging...first of all...I have absolutely no desire whatsoever to do any of those things in the least. second of all...doing any of those things or anything like them would just be retarded and pointless and illegal and just bad.

so...basically...my parents had to be paranoid and freaky and controlling and overbearing and overprotective and unreasonable and crazy and ridiculous and opressive and obsessive suffocating et cetera, et cetera...and go and read like all my aim conversations. and they freaked out...over what?...I'm still not quite sure. I can understand if there was something in those conversations like "let's go get drunk" or "I smoked pot" or "I slept with john doe" or "let's rob 7-eleven tomorrow" or something like that. because those things are harmful to a kid. drinking is bad for you, as are drugs, as is illegal activity, as is sex (in my opinion it's a bad idea for kids to be doing it, if you have a different opinion, I don't flippin care) but what was the worst thing that they found in my conversations? probably the biggest things were complaining about them when they were annoying me or making me really mad (which they do a lot) and conversations concerning me and a certain boy whose name will not be mentioned. now, this boy and I had certain types of conversations that girls and boys who are "just friends" don't have. and my parents figured that out because they're not stupid. so basically, my parents found out that there's this boy and he and I like each other very very very much -- oh, and I didn't tell them ALL about it ASAP. GASSSPPPP!!! CAUSE FOR PANDEMONIUM! and so they blocked all my instant messaging sites, so I can't i.m. until I'm out of the house...because they don't want me talking to people if they can't hear the conversation like you can when you're talking on the phone. first of all...that's kinda dumb. there is no way on earth my parents are gonna know what I talk about in all my conversations. I mean, COME ON. every time I talk to a person like...in person...and my parents aren't in earshot...that's a conversation they're not hearing! oh my goodness! they should be freaking out every time I go to school, or to church, or to a friend's, because I just might say something, or, heaven forbid, have a CONVERSATION! seriously...aim conversations aren't any different. I talk on aim just like I would talk to people in person...just without hand gestures and facial expressions. so if they really wanna do a good job...they should stop allowing me to talk to people in person too. their ideal solution? in my opinion: SOLITARY CONFINEMENT! it's the way to go if they want to achieve their goals. but if they wanna listen to me talk on the phone with my friends...that's fine with me. I mean, heck yeah that's super annoying...cuz I really don't like talking on the phone...you gotta hold the thing, and you can't just stop talking for a second to get something to eat. oh, and HOW AM I GOING TO SEND AND RECEIVE YOUTUBE LINKS??????? I discovered nigahiga videos because of a link my friend sent me over aim...and I am forever thankful cuz nigahiga is the shiz that makes me chuffed to bits. but I can talk on the phone if I wanna talk to people. because I like to talk. so I will talk. the biggest issue is that people in general don't like talking on the phone...I think it's mostly cuz you have to hold it...which is annoying. ok moving on. mom didn't let me go to cello lesson as "punishment." this issue is very multi-layered. If they're worried about me doing something bad...why would they take away something that would be a good influence on a child?...I don't know...just thinkin. then, are they just trying to make me as miserable as possible? I thought the purpose of punishment was to teach a lesson. but taking away something to do with my music doesn't make me want to be a perfect little angel just so I can get it back. It actually makes me feel quite hostile and enraged with a burning hot passion of a thousand suns. then, considering I will be a music major in college...this, whether in a miniscule or large way, handicaps me concerning my entire future. because the music business is a very competitve world, and any advantage is crucial in being successful...if I end up on the streets, this is what I will be saying: "perhaps an extra cello lesson or two when I was sixteen could have gotten me into juilliard and launched me to international fame." so basically...they are willing to handicap my entire future because they don't want me liking a boy...over the top? I think yes. and I honestly believe that if it was possible for my mother to remove my vocal chords without killing me or causing me a considerable amount of pain, she would do it so I wouldn't be able to sing either. And if she could somehow remove the part of my brain that allows me to mentally create music, she would consider that too. oh, and it also makes me really angry that for the longest time, they've always favored my sister. and I know younger siblings usually get more attention and they're so "innocent." but I'm mad that they'll buy a piano just because she's taking piano lessons now, (and pianos cost more than cellos by the way) but they never even considered buying one if I brought it up. and I play piano far better than many people who take lessons. and I write pieces for piano. she, on the other hand, can play simple scales and baby etudes. I play debussy. they'll buy a piano for her, but won't even consider the idea for me. They make it sound like such a burden to have bought me a cello. yes, it was expensive. of course, I'm very grateful that they bought it for me and that they've been paying for my lessons. I know they don't exactly have the most money, and it is kinda hard and it probably was a little burden-ish. but oh, they'll gladly pay for her piano lessons (which technically are more expensive than my cello lessons: her's are $26 per half hour and mine are $40 per hour) and they'll gladly buy a piano for her. and pianos are much more expensive than cellos. even if you buy a crappy or used piano that costs less than my cello...a bad piano costs more than a bad cello. my cello just happens to be very decent. not to mention, pianos MUST be professionally tuned, which costs money. and they just loveeee her because she "plays" the piano. and my mom like has this thing against me for not taking piano lessons. well guess what. I CAN PLAY PIANO. and I am quite good. and I never took lessons. I realize that if you do take lessons, it can be a very complex and difficult instrument, especially if one plays an exceptional piece. but honestly, to play decently, you really don't need lessons. cello, however, is a much better more difficult instrument than piano. just because she likes piano doesn't mean my instrument isn't worth the same attention.
so...what am I really mad about? I am pretty mad at the sister favoritism. am I mad that I can't i.m. anymore? no. I don't really care THAT much. I'll talk on the phone, no biggie. am I mad that my parents are punishing me in general? not really. I can deal with being grounded. The main reason I'm mad is that they really don't have anything to be flippin out over. SO WHAT if I really like a guy and he really likes me back? it's not a bad thing that's going to get me into trouble. and they're trying to like "protect me" or whatever. protect me from what? what are they really afraid of? cuz if they're worried that I'm gonna do it with him, they're crazy and obviously don't know me at all. are they afraid because their daughter might be getting older and less interested in coloring books and horsies? I don't know. They said they were mad because of the "deception." NOT DISCLOSING EVERY DETAIL OF MY LIFE IS NOT "DECEPTION." when I come home from school I don't run in the door straight to the phone to call my parents to say "today I woke up, took a shower, brushed my teeth, got on the bus, went to first period, had a conversation with so-and-so and in that conversation I said '___________' then I went to second period...etc." even when it's not something average and everyday, I don't exactly tell them. I entered a pretty big composing contest this past school year. I didn't even tell them I was entering until my piece was nearly finished. and I had to be asked about it before I told them about it. I didn't even plan to tell them about it at all. deception? by their definition. yes. In 9th grade, choir solo and ensemble, exemplary rating. I did not tell them of this. more deception. This year I found out one of my friends had a crush on me. I didn't tell my parents of this. again with the deception. whenever I had a problem or was feeling crappy, I NEVER went to my parents about it. OH THE DECEPTION. why do I not talk to my parents about even things that are pretty significant? because I feel that I can't. to me, they're very critical, not good listeners, don't really want you to think any other way but theirs, not understanding at all, don't have much compassion, aren't forgiving, are controlling, won't stand to be questioned, and will punish you for manifesting an opinion or view different from theirs. they can sort of be compared to the catholic church before Martin Luther. so, when I began this close relationship with said boy, I figured that it was more than "pretty significant" and I ought to tell my parents about such a thing. but, for the reasons previously stated, I was nervous and reluctant to do so. did I ever have the mindset of purposely keeping it all a secret and hope they would never find out? no. I was honestly going to tell them about it when the right moment came along. one where my siblings weren't all up in my face and my parents were in a decent mood. which hadn't happened...which is why I didn't tell them. I even had the intro to the conversation planned out to go something like "so...____ and I have gotten really close, and we really like hanging out together" and then one of my parents would like ask a question or something and we would talk about the whole situation. And my father doesn't have the most umph since he doesn't exactly practice what he preaches. telling me I shouldn't talk to my friends online because it allows me to be "deceptive." In my opinion, he's been quite deceptive via internet himself on an occasion or two...or more for all I know. He doesn't know I know, but one night, as I was going downstairs to obtain some tylenol for a headache that was preventing me from achieving sleep, I noticed he was on his computer and I thought, "hmm...a bit late to be on the computer, especially since you've been on it like all day." and then, with my youthful keen eyes, I saw what it was he was doing. and I was disgusted. and I'm pretty sure he doesn't have talks with his wife about what he does on the internet late at night...but I've been very tempted to say something about what I saw, because I think she has a right to know something like that, but I don't want a big explosion in my house, so I kept my mouth shut. GASP I'M BEING DECEPTIVE AGAIN! I should reveal what I know ASAP to everyone as the first step toward being less deceptive. maybe I shall. and then, concerning the aim conversations, he got all mad when he saw me using swear words. first of all...most of those were quoting people/things. second of all...they really weren't awfully gross words. and then...the thing that made me really really mad...my mom and dad swear ALL THE TIME. my mom...on the road...bad words...all the time. whenever my dad loses his temper (which is quite often) he swears. practice what you preach.
well...I'm sure I forgot a few things here and there that I was thinking about earlier, but I think I got enough out to make me feel a little better. I feel pretty vented...so that's cool I guess.

thanks for reading. <3